Now or Never

They heard the splash and turned from each other to see only ripples racing away from where it had fallen. It sunk underneath the surface; a promise to be made. They looked at each other. It was now or never.

Slipping through his clumsy, clasping fingers, he kept snatching at loose air in panic. The pace of time may slow, but so do we.

Desperately reaching into his damp pocket, moist from their walk in the rain, his stubby fingers delicately traced the elegant curve as she spoke words he would never forget. He took a deep breath.

She had been upset when he arrived and was unsure why they were walking at all. The weather was terrible and she wondered how any good could come from it. He held her close as if to protect her, but as far as she knew, he could never keep her dry.

He had tried to explain as she opened the door. She was so beautiful. Her hair was freshly washed and smelt of vanilla shampoo. It was all too much. Nerves had got the better of him so he suggested a stroll along the river. She reluctantly agreed. It was now or never.

She hated it when they fought over something much smaller than them and had spent almost ten minutes in contemplation of leaving him. She floated in the bath staring at the ceiling. He tried so hard, but she was unsure if they could ever be happy.

He put the phone down and looked at the ring. He thought of all he’d gone without this month to pay for it. She was worth it all. He took a deep breath and grinned in the mirror. Bashful, humble. It was now or never.

Dream #2 Looking for a home

We were looking for a home, you and me. When I met you, you were the only man I could see. We’d been in the throws of heady romance for some time and we were looking for a home.

I wondered what our home would be like it. Would it be old? Would it be new? I contemplated if I had a preference. I did not. If it were old, I’d make it new. If it were knew, I’d make it ours.

The world was quiet and beautiful. Still. Not a soul in sight. I didn’t miss the people. I didn’t need people, well only one. It had started to rain. We had nowhere to shelter. We were looking for a home.

We crept around the edges of the silent streets quietly like cats, treading softly around paper, sniffing the air and whispering observations with accompanying hand gestures. You saw a house. An old white house with splintered panels, overgrown with dead hedges with broken windows that looked like they had framed hundreds of faces in their time. Inquisitively looking at the world. How little they knew of how it would change. How I long for their ignorance. All locked up, you gently felt around for a route in and eventually lifted some rotten wood to reveal our secret entrance.

We crawled through and tiptoed into an entrance hall, all white, peeling paint and wooden floors. Light coloured squares sat at awkward angles where pictures had once hung. Some pictures still held their space, obviously not important enough to take when the moment came. Landscapes and a portrait of a beautiful woman with cold eyes that held yours for a moment as you passed. I wondered where her heart had gone. A vase of rotting flowers that had once blossomed and filled the space with the soft fragrance of the living sat on a shelf that mysteriously still hung without brackets, dead heads still hung from shrivelled stems. A rug of curly brown leaves surrounded the base. This was what you’d said you wanted. It was dirty and unloved but we had love to spare. I was overflowing with it. We could make it new again. Had we found our home?

We padded softly into the kitchen. Cupboards still hung, some had fallen. Some hung by a screw, the contents piled up in the lowest corner. Plates and cups sat still and lifeless on a round, wooden table. A fork once dropped on the floor, floated in a sea of dirt. Dust and dead leaves covered everywhere. It was like Pompeii, like a morgue. Someone had left it in a hurry long ago as time had stopped at the point of something terrible. The feeling hung in the air, petrifying all who inhaled it, turning them to stony monoliths of ancient fears and sadnesses.

Into the next room, a long room full of windows that looked out over the large lake. It was impossible to see the other side, even on a clear day. The water lapped sluggishly at the mud like the sullen slap of an old tongue against dry, chapped lips. This room also had the wooden floors and white walls, only this time the word ‘Reverie’ was written on the wall in large, light blue, italic letters, pastel coloured ribbons hung in rows, painted as a backdrop. The design made me think of children. Had children once lived here? Could they? I felt the vivacious pull of lust and maternity deep inside my eager belly.

I wanted to take to cleaning and making new. I started picking up crockery and making a pile by the sink. My heart sprung at the potential of what we could have, everything we could create for each therr. As quick as that however, it sunk to the bottom of the deep, dark sea as I stole a glance your way and saw you sat still. You were staring solemnly at the fingerprints on cups and broken photo frames, remembering what had been and almost certainly what wasn’t any more. Feet hung in the lake, the cold ripples tickling the hairs on your ankle, heartache was nipping at your toes and they twitched in defiance. This was the seventh place we’d found and once again your past was enough to defy us settling. Our future was still waiting in the wings to humbly shuffle onto your stage all singing and dancing, if only you could let it. I defied my sadness and looked at you with quiet eyes that said ‘we can take more time’. It was the only choice I had the only way to survive and the only way to keep your ever wavering love.

We slid out the narrow gap in the wood, back onto the road. Jumpers pulled over our heads to protect from the rain. You kissed my cheek with the softness of appreciating my patience. We continued our search and I couldn’t help but wonder if we’d ever find our home.

Fallout

Children of the fallout, we were a product of our own indulgence and inevitably, our own destruction. To find another floating in the abyss of daily life was rare. The immediate and natural reaction was to throw out a line, tether ourselves to one another and drift through the ether together. We shared an understanding and patience that ran so deep, no one on the surface knew of it, only us. Our love was Plato’s origin. We were two halves of the whole and we were doomed.

Walls

Ah, the walls she built to shut herself off from our dangerous world, to keep her demons at bay.

Nonetheless a veritable Romeo, he effortlessly scaled her high reaches without a care for risk or the fate that awaited him there.

She lived by the metal river, in a box that was blessed with a beautiful view. It had been years since a man had found the tunnel to her heart. Subterrainean and subjective, an army couldn’t find the entrance unless she bared it.

He was honest and unusual. He held the key to her deepest caverns in his mouth and he was quite capable of traversing it’s tunnels unharmed. It was him she had to look out for. Him, she had to watch from sentry post with eagle eyes and baited breath. He had the power to conquer her, hold her tower up or tear it down. If those bricks crumbled, her reality would come crashing to earth engulfed in smoke and fire and she’d be no more.

So, does she take the risk for this beautiful man with a humble complexion? For a man of devout erection who made love to her and held her as she slept, shielding her from nightmares whilst she dreamt of him instead. A man who let conversation flow to and fro, like a ship in gentle waters. Or was it the calm before the storm?

She’d been fooled before, but found herself full, with implicit trust. Where does she go from here…and should she take him with her?

Hands

Is the saddest kind of love, that which has been lost. Not one that has struggled through the peaks and troughs of hardship. Not one unrequited as he is far pitched above any man who’d lay eyes on her. When one who’d pave ways for her sits idle in the corner. His mind ravaged with frustration at the blindness to what’s in front of her. He’s never ever felt her like he does within his dreams. Never ever smelt her when she’s splitting at the seams. When life has dealt her brutal blows and she knows what nothing means, so vulnerability somehow tranquilly dismisses possibilities once meant to be. A future dissipates in front of her eyes. Such beautiful promises reveal themselves as lies. All the prospects for her next steps slip to their natural demise as the stairs give way under cautious treads and she falls without reprise. And he could never really know how she truly feels. As at least she has her pride when the secrets just hers still. When no-one knows the burning of the words locked on her lips. There for the taking with the right kind of kiss. The right kind of kiss from the right kind of man .Someone she can count on over years as they span a lifetime as it rusts, a golden hue of trust and lust, a lovers promised planned. Amidst a blur of frantic, grasping, rough and gentle hands.

Disperse

I want to be a part of your world.
I want to awake to your face, in a place we create
I celebrate, you.
Every inch a man I can look up to.
I’d stand by you
For your principles are unquestionable
And where the rest should fall, you’ve bested them all, in my heart.

So it starts
And I’m scared that you may not care as I do
But who am I to destroy this chance?
So I dance the dance, with poise to my stance
Hoping you’ll glance and never turn away.
I’m afraid
You can’t see what I see. What could be an absolute dream.
We said we’d take it slow
Though I know these feelings are staring to show
Against all warning signs my mind slows to a prose
For a man I’ve known so long.
And there’s so much learning to do
After so many failings I thought I’d tire of putting effort into the new, but not with you.

With you I eagerly anticipate the next date
When we can communicate in person
Conversing face to face
Cohersing each other to an even brighter place
Than our already beautiful lives.
You’ve opened my eyes
To so much I didn’t know
But a healthy together is one that can grow
And I think I can play you your kind of show
But, we need to take it slow
For old heartache is nipping at both of our toes
And it hurts
But. That. Will. Disperse.

So let’s not act in haste
Let’s saviour the taste of this steady pace
Let’s go on adventures and see where things take us
Let’s find all the beauty in the world bit by bit
Because we are all Captains of our own ships
Just know this.

I’ll help you stitch your sails when torn
Feed you when you’re weathered in worn
On a dark stormy night, I would keep you warm
And there’s more,
But we’ll save that for later…

So for now we’re just mates who think a lot of each other
With so much more to discover and see
A seed that could sprout and grow into the world’s largest tree
An  right now that possibility, is good enough for me.