Dream #1 Tsunami

I’m stood on a beach facing the sea. My feet are surrounded by rocks and shingle, shells and seaweed. The beach is encased by steep chalky cliffs that crumble like old teeth. The sky is cloudy and coloured in fresh bruise hues of blue, grey and yellow.

I am alone here.

A storm approaches.

I become aware of the sea draining away in front of me. It pulls back into the distance like a sling shot. I feel no fear. Everything is peaceful. There is little noise other than the clumsy cry of a lone seagull who cannot fathom the unfolding events. I guess they aren’t it’s events to fathom.

The horizon bends. It twists and turns like the wringing out of wet clothes. A faint rumble in the distance, a faint shake in the shingle. It’s a wave.

I breathe. I hold my ground.

It approaches, towering above me, a wall of blue and grey, brown and black. This is it, this is where I face myself. I see the darker side of me, like a caged tiger, pacing up and down the boundary of our two worlds. It is evil itself, every fear and worry. It froths with insecurities and self doubt. It wants to finish me. I feel no fear.

I hold my ground.

As it hits, I step through into the other side. Liquid glass infuses the air and I hold my breath. There’s a click. I’m up on a cliff, in a hotel, stirring a cup of coffee and gazing out the window at a bay, contemplating my existence, self deprecating. I see a wave roll in, hitting a small speck of a person, hardly distinguishable against the stones.

There’s a click.

I’m driving my car, there are fields either side of an old A road. The radio breaks in music to report a tsunami hitting a place I’ve never heard of.

There’s a click.

I wake up and I breathe.

Doing the deed – Becoming a do-gooder

There was once a time where do-gooding was frowned upon. ‘Interfering do-gooders’ were known to meddle and cause problems for those of us cantankerously surviving in our mundane day to day existence.

Thankfully these times are changing for the better. It is becoming more popular to do good and I am stumbling across more and more adverts/short films/music videos that promote goodwill and kind gestures. Us human beings have the power of endless love and compassion locked beneath the barriers that our minds create as a defense against hurt, anger and rejection. These barriers however do a good job and we almost always forget what we should do. i.e. that poor old chap trying to cross a busy road. ‘Sorry buddy, no time for you, I’VE had a bad day’.

How did we come to act on such selfish tendencies? How can we say “I don’t care, I’m looking after me right now”?

Imagine if instead of this we all looked after each other. That we donated a moment of strength to someone who was struggling. Imagine the bond that would form with someone who rescued you when you most needed help and were too scared to ask a stranger. That on seeing that poor guy trying to cross the road, no doubt terrified by the noise and endless streams of machines intent on mowing him down, you took those few seconds to take his arm, walk him over and carry on with your day.

It’s these few precious seconds that are nothing to you…and everything to him.

Think about the relief he’d feel, thanks to you. Imagine the smile on his face when he tells relatives of that lovely person who helped him when he felt vulnerable and needy. Doesn’t that make you feel good?

How about that kid trying to get on the bus, or a mother paying for groceries amidst screaming children. They’re 20p short which means a long walk home, or missing out on some sort of essential item. Do you have a lose 20p floating about? I’ll bet you do. The thought crosses your mind but you shrug it off quickly. ‘No, I’ll need it’ or ‘It’s right at the bottom of my bag’. You stay quiet and they suffer as a result. You need it for what anyway? A pint at the pub later? A packet of crisps for the walk home? Just give them the 20p and change their day for the better.

It’s these little things that will make such a difference to those in need. Also, the enormity of joy and satisfaction you’ll receive from seeing a smile on someone’s face that you’ve put there is second to none.

There are countless moments like this every day for those who choose to see them.

So next time you see that opportunity to help, ignore that little arsehole in your head who’s only looking out for number one, waltz up to that person and do it. You’ll be surprised how good you both feel as a result and you never know, you might make a habit out of it.

And let me tell you, that’s one habit our world needs more of.

Worm

My face is flushed
A searing, hot heat races from my heart,
to my feet and my face.
I am a disgrace in your embrace.
I squirm
A turning worm, writhing in the sun
Surviving next to one,
who won’t burn me out.

Insecurities

So a friend of mine asked me some honest questions today on insecurities for some research she’s doing. Things like:

What are three insecurities you have?

Do you keep your insecurities hidden from people, if so why?What kind of feelings do your insecurities bring you?

Have your insecurities ever stopped you from doing something you wanted to do?

What do you think the world would be like if we were more honest about our problems and feelings?

I wrote the most honest response I could and realised that people should talk about this a bit more. So I’m humbly posting it here in the hope it will stir up conversation. We are never alone.

I worry that I annoy people or that they think bad of me for one reason or another (I hate upsetting people). I also worry that I will never find true love and have a family. I also worry that I’ll never be truly good at anything.

My biggest worry is definitely missing out on love and a family.

I try to keep them hidden as I think they make me seem weak and it adds to my worry of people having a bad impression. Plus the more admitted, the more is let out to deal with (it’s easier to ignore when know one knows). I don’t keep them hidden when I realise someone else is feeling it and I want to help and let them know they’re not alone. And sometimes I just can’t keep it under wraps Once it starts I start worrying about everything. I panic and become frigidity and obviously irritated.

How they make me feel? Scared, angry, frustrated, no confidence, panicked and that I can’t look people in the eye.

They stop me from doing things a lot. I have a voice that tells me ‘You can’t do that’, just simple things that would make me happier or anything that involves being the focal point of attention. I’m learning to override this. It’s really satisfying doing something anyway and saying ‘fuck you’ to myself. It has taken me a while to realise I am capable of overriding it…but doing so sometimes causes it to come back harder. I am becoming stronger to it though and I like this strength.

People should be more honest about their problems. Especially insecurities as they make you feel so isolated. It always feels good to talk to someone else who worries about the same stuff. Not only is it helping, but it eases the pressure on you. People shouldn’t be scared to talk about these things only it’s kind of the heart of what it is, so it’s difficult. If people did the world would be a better place as negative feelings lead to negative behaviour and that in turn can transmit to other people. Any bad emotions spread and it’s important to stamp them out. Sometimes it’s just a case of realising you are only seeing from one perspective and there are plenty of other ones out there you could choose to see from.

Hands

Is the saddest kind of love, that which has been lost. Not one that has struggled through the peaks and troughs of hardship. Not one unrequited as he is far pitched above any man who’d lay eyes on her. When one who’d pave ways for her sits idle in the corner. His mind ravaged with frustration at the blindness to what’s in front of her. He’s never ever felt her like he does within his dreams. Never ever smelt her when she’s splitting at the seams. When life has dealt her brutal blows and she knows what nothing means, so vulnerability somehow tranquilly dismisses possibilities once meant to be. A future dissipates in front of her eyes. Such beautiful promises reveal themselves as lies. All the prospects for her next steps slip to their natural demise as the stairs give way under cautious treads and she falls without reprise. And he could never really know how she truly feels. As at least she has her pride when the secrets just hers still. When no-one knows the burning of the words locked on her lips. There for the taking with the right kind of kiss. The right kind of kiss from the right kind of man .Someone she can count on over years as they span a lifetime as it rusts, a golden hue of trust and lust, a lovers promised planned. Amidst a blur of frantic, grasping, rough and gentle hands.

Birdbrain

Welcome to my mind. My blessing and my curse, my best and my worst.
This is where the true me hides from you.
It is an aviary of birds diverse, a passionately adverse colourful verse to the dark hearted dead.
They chatter, squawk and swarm through my head.
Snatching under formed, fetalesque thoughts before they’re words to be said.
Before they’re comprehendable feelings rather than language that can’t be read.
The starlings swarm the most.
I am the starlings host.
They pull me apart by the threads of my characteral flaws
Unravel and leave me next to nothing, as nothing’s easier to ignore.
The Phoenix comes in my darkest moments. Eternal, internal, the starling’s opponent
Always almost too late to save my state from a fate that dilapidates all redeeming traits.
Before I am unsalvageable.
I’m simply unmanageable.
A tangible, consumable, notion of all that is unvaluable

The crows collect my bones.
They are the stones that condone any faith I seem to own.
The Magpies steal my eyes, my teeth, my wishes and beliefs
And they set to work reconstructing me in all my concepts
Building narrow, marrow bridges connecting the fleshy islands of my facets.
Creating a new world in which my tenacious conscious can reside.
Where birds of paradise bask in warm sunshine
Where toucans and puffins smile through painted faces sublime and glorious peacocks dare to flash uncompromising exquisity
I love each and every one who ever was and who will ever be.
And everything is beautiful
I inhale hatred and exhale goodwill
If only I could stay here without fear of self sabotage
But my entourage of starlings will return in a few days, to begin the process of self dismantling again
There’s no one I can blame. I have a mind I cannot tame.
A barrage of disdain.
A fear and sense of shame
If only I’d escape the cage that is my birdbrain.

Disperse

I want to be a part of your world.
I want to awake to your face, in a place we create
I celebrate, you.
Every inch a man I can look up to.
I’d stand by you
For your principles are unquestionable
And where the rest should fall, you’ve bested them all, in my heart.

So it starts
And I’m scared that you may not care as I do
But who am I to destroy this chance?
So I dance the dance, with poise to my stance
Hoping you’ll glance and never turn away.
I’m afraid
You can’t see what I see. What could be an absolute dream.
We said we’d take it slow
Though I know these feelings are staring to show
Against all warning signs my mind slows to a prose
For a man I’ve known so long.
And there’s so much learning to do
After so many failings I thought I’d tire of putting effort into the new, but not with you.

With you I eagerly anticipate the next date
When we can communicate in person
Conversing face to face
Cohersing each other to an even brighter place
Than our already beautiful lives.
You’ve opened my eyes
To so much I didn’t know
But a healthy together is one that can grow
And I think I can play you your kind of show
But, we need to take it slow
For old heartache is nipping at both of our toes
And it hurts
But. That. Will. Disperse.

So let’s not act in haste
Let’s saviour the taste of this steady pace
Let’s go on adventures and see where things take us
Let’s find all the beauty in the world bit by bit
Because we are all Captains of our own ships
Just know this.

I’ll help you stitch your sails when torn
Feed you when you’re weathered in worn
On a dark stormy night, I would keep you warm
And there’s more,
But we’ll save that for later…

So for now we’re just mates who think a lot of each other
With so much more to discover and see
A seed that could sprout and grow into the world’s largest tree
An  right now that possibility, is good enough for me.